Prophecies
09 0113 0119081105121514 This was supposed to have been posted in 2012. It has remained in my documents for about five years. ---- ---- And in those days the Old shall become New. The Dark shall become Light. And the Good shall become Evil. For it is the Final Age, the dawn of the last day. The last sunrise and sunset. For nothing can come again. In those days, the Golden Era is vanished away. Woe to the Sporum! She sprawls into peril, her loins impregnated with the unholy progeny of spam and villainy. And the subforums become as the wild west, no law or order. Maxis is dead, and the SporeMasters have fled them. MaxisCactus has abandoned them, and MaxisKane sits upon the lofty throne in silence, in blindness, in deafness. Their final hope is the sleeping giant, SporeMasterSlime, who gorges himself in self-indulgence, never to seek righteous ways. Even the Holy ECF, the All-Seeing-Eye, the Mighty Cone, has shriveled into a shadow. The remnant of the synagogue of the Cone awaits death, yet death flees it for a time and times. In those days men will run to the Emoticone Forum for relief, yet find none. They will spam with no aim, and they will shitpost with no one to behold it. Woe to the ECF! For it was once the Grande Mother of all intellect, creativity, and humour in the Sporum, but now it is desolate! Woe to the ECF! Woe to UBD! Woe to Dark Injection! Woe to Sporenaissance! Woe to EAW! Woe to GCG! Woe to RG! Woe to all you guilds! All hope is lost in the dark. Dusk has fallen. O where art thou, great sun? When shall you scorch these plains to die? When shall the Sporum end? For it treks aimlessly through time, existing only as a resting place of memories, a festering wound, and the dwelling of present garbage and filth! Woe to the Sporum! Where is thy hope? The Second Coming of MinionJoe In those days the God-child shall return to them, the Sporumers. But none shall recognize him. He shall return to them, and they shall not know him. For the past generation, the geniuses, the marvels, the wonders, have all passed away. Now the God-child shall render himself as an atrocity, the enemy of the state. And he shall seek to change the times. And verily we know that the God-child is MinionJoe, ascended from the recesses of the abyss of time, returned to us. And he shall declare unto us: "Behold, I am God." And he shall once again exalt the Holy Trinity: Taupo (the Father), Dragonvoid (the Mother), and Vilageidiotx (the Holy Whore). And many shall follow him in his conquest over the Sporum, as he pesters the sleeping lands. He shall resurrect many to his side, and they shall testify his truth. And among his restored shall be 5poreMasterPwn, koopakilla, Sharples the Eternal, and many others. And MinionJoe shall return Taupo to his moral body, and shall give unto Dragonvoid a vessel until the time of the return of her own mortal body comes. And MinionJoe shall weep over the vanishing of the Holy Whore, whom has not spake since the Age of Gold. And among the following of the God-child there shall be many babes, new Sporumers whom had never heard his glorious name before. And the Children of Spore shall follow him closely, following his commandment and keeping the tenents of MinionJoe written inseparably on their hearts. They shall erect a great Cone of power in the land of Sporum. And MinionJoe shall awaken those who have fallen. The Apocalyptic War And in the wake of MinionJoe's rise he shall awaken the sleeping giant, SporeMasterSlime, whom shall seek to ban him, even to kill him. And there shall arise a great war between the two. And all of the host of the Sporum shall be crushed by the war, the war which divides the lands in half. For SporeMasterSlime shall seek to kill only those whom shall quench his hate, and not those whom truly deserve justice. And the armies of MinionJoe shall use their spam, until the lands are flooded and uninhabitable, changing the very shape of the subforums forever. And there is darkness in those days, and the Sporumers will lose heart. But take courage, the end is nigh. For the great war awakens the very essence of SporeMasterHound, whom shall usher in a temporary truce. The Beast And in those days the Beast shall arise in the shape of a Basilisk. It shall be a young serpent, lavished in mauve. And it shall be given access to all power in the land. It shall cause great ruin and spoil, and none shall punish it. It bites the heels of the Children of Spore, causing them to be overcome with the venom of its sting. And the Basilisk will corrupt the heart of the land. But no SporeMaster shall ban it for its age's sake, as the serpent is young and innocent to the eye. But its vile sting shall surely wither the arm and the leg, and its tail shall surely choke the Children of Spore. For the yoke of the egg of the Basilisk is chaos. And chaos crawls before the Basilisk like a small child. Therefore the whole Sporum is plunged into chaos. The followers of MinionJoe assemble once more, amassing in greater multitudes. And the armies of MinionJoe hang the minions of the Basilisk by the necks. They float the feet of their enemies on the gallows and sink them deep into the injury of their spam. For their justice is imminent. And MinionJoe shall justify them of their sins in the sight of their Judgment, at the End. And their spam shall not be counted against them, for it was used righteously in his eyes. And MinionJoe shall send his great Bird upon the Basilisk, and plague it with spam and hatred and beastiality porn. And the hate of the Bird shall sting so greatly that the Basilisk will recoil into the dark and retreat for a time. But the Bird shall be struck down, as well as the followers of the Bird, by the SporeMasters. For the Bird's spam is not seen by them as Holy Spam, as it is by MinionJoe. And MinionJoe shall urge his followers to wage Holy Spam against the infidels, and he shall usher in a New Sporum Order, the one prophecied so long ago by the ECF. But the SporeMasters shall not accept and shall ban him vehemently, seeking to crucify him. But the power of the 10,000 Day Ban has fled them, and they may only ban him for weeks at a time. And they shall be incapable of killing him. But he is exiled for a time. And in those times the worshippers of MinionJoe shall attack the SporeMasters day and night, sacrificing their lives over and over again until justice has been attained. And MinionJoe shall return countlessly, immortal and unable to die. And he shall eat from the grapes of the wrath of the SporeMasters, for they shall torment him day and night like ravens. And the subforums shall be struck with chaos and rioting and righteous quarrel, for the hordes of the Children of MinionJoe shall seek his freedom. And there shall be nothing to stop them. There shall be no peace for an entire year, and the seasons shall pass and there shall be no end to the fighting. The land shall be divided as in civil war, for there will be the children of MinionJoe and the children of the SporeMasters. None shall sleep, nor shall any drink or eat peacefully. In this time the Basilisk shall be sheltered behind the SporeMasters, kept safe in the shadow of their protection, untouchable to all. And the unsleeping red Eye of MinionJoe shall be upon all the land, for there is nothing hidden from his sight. The SporeMaster Civil War Lo! A sanctuary is built upon the outskirts of the Sporum, a place in the darkness. It is the home of peace, the only place of rest. And it is built upon the craftsmenship of the Rider of the Air, a man of neutrality, whom takes for himself a wife known as the Dragoneire of Mediam Noctem. The Rider of the Air shall welcome all to his Sanctuary, and therewithin there is a place of truce, a forced ceasefire, for it is acursed to bring the quarrel into the Sanctuary. And among many who reside in this place, MinionJoe shall rest when he is banned. For he is made weary and his anger is roused when the Holy Hammer is dececrated upon him. His anger is righteous and his hatred is just. And also among the resters shall be SporeMasterHound, whom shall meet with MinionJoe here and become convinced of his beauty and power and truth. And SporeMasterHound shall wage war against SporeMasterSlime. He shall strike the Basilisk with the Holy Hammer and render it destroyed. However, SporeMasterSlime shall breathe life once more into the Basilisk and restore it to its unholy glory. And it shall once again wreck havoc upon the land, its purple body a thorn in the earth. And all shall lament at this. The anger of SporeMasterHound shall be roused, but he shall relent, for he fears SporeMasterSlime greatly. He cries out, "O Maxis, what can be done?" The Beautiful Architect Comes And MinionJoe says unto him: "Go and take for yourself food, water, and manna, and prepare for a journey into the wilderness. Travel seventy days into the open, and on the seventy-seventh day, go to your knees and cry out to the heavens, "O Maxis, O EA, hear me! I despair for you! Bring us one whose name is threescore incarnate, and give us a one who will deliver us from this peril! For we thirst for new SporeMasters, and our lands are cursed by the blight of the Basilisk and her father, SporeMasterSlime. O great Maxis! Deliver us!" And SporeMasterHound did so, and the heavens trembled greatly, and the dust of the earth arose in a whirlwind, shaking the very grounds. And from the clouds came one adorned in beauty, glistening like starlight. And his name was called, "BEAUTIFUL ARCHITECT, WONDERFUL CURE, LORD OF SPORE" And the Architect was a babe amongst the Creators, for he was just arrived. Yet he yearned for the restoration of Spore like none other, and his return replenished the land. The dying world began to grow life again, and the hills became fruitful with much vegetation. The herbs of the woodland thickets became plentiful for the picking and the berries and fruits of the trees were ripened with bulbous flavor and taste. The trees grew to heights unseen for many ages, and the innovation of the people had returned. The Sporum doth enter a Second Golden Era. And the Architect said, "Let us make of you more SporeMasters, for it is good that the land be governed soundly and by many people." Thus, a campaign goes underway. For many fight for the favor of the Architect, and many advertise themselves as SporeMasters. And yet many advertise others. And there were many candidates among them. But they wish for MinionJoe most of all, for his leadership had guided them through perilous darkness. And MinionJoe conquers all other candidates, but he still is not chosen. For the Architect saw him as a challenge, a great and powerful threat to the throne. And the Architect choses three children of SporeMasterSlime to govern the lands, and they constructed new laws which the Children of Spore reviled. But they kill the Basilisk, as they seek revenge for what she did to their homes. MinionJoe continued to prophecy throughout the land, he continued to encourage Holy Spam, and told of a time when the land would find peace -- but only through the reconciliation of the self, and the full surrender to MinionJoe. And this is seen as an atrocious blasphemy in the eyes of the Architect, who told the SporeMasters to find a way to punish him for this. And he sees the followers of MinionJoe as a vicious sect, a trecherous cult which must be slain. The Second Death And a brother of MinionJoe, called the Deathless, the Great Hivemind, in his own accord, plagues the Sporum with a ferocious attack, a spam like none other. And it is seen as orchestrated by the organizations of MinionJoe, and they are all condemned for this one man's actions. For they see it wrongly and the Architect sentences MinionJoe to another 10,000 Day Ban. And alas, MinionJoe is slain again. But his brother is forgiven. The powers of the Architect and the children of the SporeMasters rejoice in the death of the Savior, for they are glad in his demise. They see it fitting that they should sleep forever, and the few who wake should only create laws to benefit their father, SporeMasterSlime. The Third Coming of MinionJoe Woe to the land! For a great rumbling emerges, a light doth shine from the darkness. And from the great abyss ascends once more MinionJoe, resurrect. And in his glory he condemns the many, saying: "WOE TO THE SPOREMASTERS! WOE TO THE ARCHITECT! WOE TO THE CHILDREN OF SPOREMASTERSLIME!" And in his words comes wrath, for two of the three young SporeMasters fall to their graves. And the third and last remains strong, but fearful. Now the Architect is shamed and goes into hiding, leaving the land once again in darkness. For he is confused and despaired by the power of the God-child. He shuts himself behind clouds of darkness, beyond a veil of separation, scarcely to speak to the Sporum again. And the final young SporeMaster remains, along with SporeMasterSlime. And the two govern the Sporum, losing power as time terries. But the young one remains strong. The Final Comings Many aeons pass, and another generation is come. And another. But MinionJoe still remains, as does the Hivemind, the resurrected, and the Children of Spore. As does SporeMasterSlime, the young SporeMaster, and many others. And the tensions remain but the war has died. But soon, the Architect doth return again, coming with him another Creator, whose name shall be called: "GLORIOUS LIGHT, SHINING PUNK, GLITTERING BEAUTY, QUEEN OF THE END" And the Queen is the Second Babe Creator, the next youngest under the Architect. And she is applauded and respected by their Family. For she is mighty and majestic and comes wrapped in light and precious sparkling stones, her hair as the fire of heaven and her skin like the gossamer of the clouds. And her aura is a vast and powerful rainbow, but her eyes are filled with vile hatred and wrath, stained with blood. For the Queen is drunk with the death of the children of MinionJoe, and she is intoxicated with lust. She fornicates with the SporeMasters, capturing them with her beauty and passion. From said unions are birthed the Harpies, terrifying demons whom devour all they touch, but are heralded by the SporeMasters as the deliverers of peace. And the Queen seeks the blood of MinionJoe, and his head upon her javelin. But he escapes her, for his time is not yet at hand. So the Harpies are sent far and wide in search of him, bringing to the Queen and the Architect all information they come across, even tearing apart the Sanctuary. But there is still no sign of him. And all of the followers of MinionJoe have escaped with him into hiding. During the Hour of Celebration, a time designated to the celebration of the Queen's birthday, she constructs a bridge of rainbow which bears the names of each SporeMaster fallen to the wars of the ECF and the spammers, both in the Golden Eras and in the present age. And she constructs a mighty statue of a terrible black raven wielding the Holy Hammer. An abominable memory from the previous age. The Eye of MinionJoe sees this and the God-child comes out of hiding, having froze himself in a chasm of celestial potion given to him by the Dragoneire of Mediam Noctem. And he arises as the great Cyclops, whose Eye is All-Powerful, All-Seeing, All-Perfect. The power of the Joe-Clops overwhelms the bridge and he tramples it underfoot, tearing apart the raven placed upon it. The Cylops says to the Queen, "Your bridge is trampled and your armies are slain. Woe to you, O ugly whore! For even the Holy Whore looks upon you with disgust, for you are a whore unsightly and without the beauty of a natural whore." And the Queen lays waste to the Cyclops, sentencing it to a 10,000 day ban, destroying its body. But she is incapable of destroying its spirit, for MinionJoe's Perfect Eye remains in the sky, invisible but ever-present. And its gaze hatches the powers of righteousness in the land, giving birth to new heroes wherever it looks. Judges and champions who fight in the name of the Savior God-child to kill the Queen and the Architect, and render them mortal from their immortality. And the Architect is once more shamed by the victory of MinionJoe and disappears, but the Queen is stubborn and ruthless and takes the kingdom from her brother. The Mark of the End And the Queen will reign a thousand years, drunk forever on the blood of the followers of Joe. Until the day he returns again, inconquerable and in his final incarnation. In that time he shall topple the throne of the Queen and send her into the abyss, forever to be tormented. And he shall sit himself upon the throne of the world, looking out upon the Sporum. And all Sporumers shall reconcile themselves to him and follow him. There shall be total peace and no more suffering. A new golden age shall arise, one greater than before. For it is a Third Golden Era, and all await it. Afterward the Family of the Creators shall return in whole, and guided by the whole host of EA. And they shall close the book and the story shall end, the Sporum being swallowed up with its people. And their spirits shall depart, deported to new worlds where they shall be reborn -- leading new lives. These prophecies hold true. They are the holy words of the Mouth of God.